Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Evil man who beat my boss is supporting Manlove...

David Wallace, accepting an award for
devouring the souls of orphans.

So this very evil guy, David Wallace, is apparently backing John Manlove for congress. To put in another way, as our sister-site CD22 Watcher says:

"Wallace is still humming with Manlove."

Don't ask us what that means. Don't ask why we would choose such odd words. Because, and trust me on this one, you don't want to know. It hits too close to home. Let's just say our minds were preoccupied. It's post-modern homo-erotic humor, and if you don't get it, then just ignore our friends at CD22 Watcher when they start tapping their feet in the next stall.

In any case, this dude Wallace is evil. EVIL! Don't believe me? Then maybe you'll believe Greg Aydt, racist gasbag GOP elected official and author of the delightfully wacky hate-website Rhymes With Right. You see, somebody slipped Herr Aydt (pictured here in his rotund pasty brilliance) a portfolio of well researched dirt on Mr. Wallace, and boy it's so juicy!

Boils down to this: Mr. Wallace is a shady international arms dealer (duh!).... And the Republican Party does not need shady arms dealers. It needs hateful racists.

And I want you to know that nobody, and I mean nobody, has more racist friends than our friends at "Captain Dean Hrbacek's CD22 Watcher Fun Time Happy Blog". Not only do they proudly link to Big Racist Greg's hatesite, and to "," a website run by a former president of the Aryan Nation, but they also brought us a recent report from a group called "Texas League of the South", which runs a spectacular and admirable hatesite that is devoted to preserving "the heritage" of Southern people.

This hatesite dispels some of the most insidious liberal myths - It proves how Abraham Lincoln was actually evil (not kidding!). It also decries how kids in school are not allowed to use the word "noose" to taunt black students (injustice!). It features awesome videos full of Confederate flags and pissed off fat men screaming about the "Subjugation of Dixie" (yee-haw!).

It also contains awesome speeches by League of the South leaders like President Michael Hill, who deliver super-cool sermons on White Power:

"It is time for us, as Southern whites, to look to our own well being and defense against these thugs.

"Moreover, it is time we demand that respectable members of the 'minority community' control their debased 'brothers and sisters.' If they refuse, then we can only believe that they secretly condone such behavior. Let us not flinch when our enemies call us 'racists'; rather, just reply with, 'So, what's your point?'"

Our crack research staff just discovered that this fantastic website is run by Homer Stokes, the real hero of O' Brother Where Art Thou:

Homer Stokes: Brothers! Oh, brothers! We have all gathered here, to preserve our hallowed culture and heritage! We aim to pull evil up by the root, before it chokes out the flower of our culture and heritage! And our women, let's not forget those ladies, y'all. Looking to us for protection! From darkies, from Jews, from papists, and from all those smart-ass folks say we come descended from monkeys!

With nine candidates in the race for Congress, each one will have a campaign with a unique strength. Shelley Gibbs has about month's experience as a Congresswoman. Pete Olson has suitcases full of money. Robert Talton has the meanest sneer. But when it comes to truly insane racism, nobody beats the grassroots team of Dean Hrbacek, led by Liz Mitton and a trio of woefully underskilled and clearly frustrated young Republican boys.

You can take it to the bank. But if you're an insane Dixie-singing coot like us, you probably keep your money under your mattress anyway.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Attention Nutjobs:

Please read the newly added disclaimers in this page's sidebar and at CD22 Watcher.

Recognize: These sites ain't illegal cuz I say so!

To repeat, because I know people who like Bruce Springsteen are dumb: These sites are not run by paid members of Dean Hrbacek's campaign staff. Only nutjobs say that. But if they are, then Dean Hrbacek is not responsible for the content of these pages.

Are we clear yet?

Oh yeah...And if Dean Hrbacek is responsible for the content of these pages, then... uh.... well.... uh.... "¿No habla Ingles?"

Saturday, December 1, 2007

I need to dispel an ugly rumor...

Recently, a lot of folks have been talking about how they feel my blog, along with our sister-site, CD22 Watcher, are pieces of anonymous campaign advocacy written by staff of Dean Hrbacek. And since that would be illegal, I need to do something quickly to help quiet those claims.

Now true, the early posts were extremely Pro-Hrbacek (like this one and this one, for example), and others were extremely hostile to the other leading candidates (like this one and this one). But I bet if I post something relatively nice about one of the other lesser-known candidates, that will shut everyone up!

So here goes:

Jim Squier isn't the most horrible man on the planet. And he has a website. And unlike frontrunners Shelley Gibbs and Pete Olson, Squier is good Christian man who doesn't torture puppies or steal from the collection plate. Which is more than I can say for Gibbs or Olson.

And that's not the only positive words we have for other candidates. Robert Talton has a beautiful head of hair. And John Manlove has mostly given up his heroin habit.

See? We're as neutral as Switzerland.

As if we didn't already know .... Republicans think quite highly of themselves

Once again, those sharp cats at our sister site, CD22 Watcher, have their finger on the pulse of logical perfection. They stumbled onto a new Gallop Poll reporting that Republicans are significantly more likely than Democrats or independents to rate their own mental health as excellent. And because we self-report our mental health as great, it must be.

A young, and clearly sane, Republican

However, the CD22 Watcher crew must've been busy, because they didn't have time to tell you about all the other (rather obvious) findings in this study. For instance, Republicans are also significantly more likely than Democrats or independents to rate:

Their own appearance as "super hot."
Their own personal odor as "less than offensive."
Their own penis size as "gargantuan."
Their own personality as "not entirely obnoxious."
Their own housekeeper as "an American citizen."
Their own girlfriend as "existing."
Their own penchant for deviant practices as "mere rumors."

Furthermore, the study made these other key findings:

1. Drunken Montana fishermen are significantly more likely to self-report being abducted by UFO's. Therefore, Drunken Montana fisherman have been to outer space.

2. Bart Simpson is significantly more likely to self-report that he didn't do it. Therefore, he didn't do it.

3. Hitler is significantly more likely to self-report that he has no intention of invading Poland. Therefore, I can think he can be trusted.

4. Your mom is significantly more like to self-report that you are the most beautiful and talented child in the world. Therefore, you are the most unique and precious snowflake ever.

4. CD22 Watcher is significantly more likely to self-report that they have no connections to Dean Hrbacek. Therefore, it likely a dirty trick perpetrated by Pete Olson, Shelley Sekula Gibbs and the Democratic Party.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go self-report myself a Margarita...

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Dean Hrbacek: Colossus Among Mice

We are proud to feature today a very special guest blogger from CD22 Watcher, a sister-site of ours. Today's blog author is either:

1. Liz Mitton, who does not understand how blog feeds or Google alerts work.

2. A trio of young and likely single GOP nerds, working for Dean Hrbacek, who borrowed Ms. Mitton's blogspot log-in to avoid legal issues by creating plausible deniability.

3. A combination of the two, plus an invisible unicorn that only Ms. Mitton can hear.

4. Another suitably grouchy Islamophobe with a poor command of HTML.


He walks with the stride of Achilles.

His chin recalls the perfectly chiseled white cliffs of Dover.

His voice causes the wicked to quake.

He is Dean Hrbacek, and his utter perfection stirs a deep ache in my heart, an unquenched hunger of thoughts unspoken, a hurricane of dizzy devotion.

Dean Hrbacek represents the soul of the Republican Party. Wait, no, scratch that. Dean Hrbacek IS the soul of the Republican Party. He is also the misappropriated sense of entitlement of the Republican Party. As the Party of Sexual Repression (POSR) prepares to enter a new decade, Hrbacek is ideal to take the helm here in CD22. Among a weak field of POSR's, Dean is the ultimate POSR to end all POSR's.

Oh, and in case you didn't hear, Dean got 40 people to state publicly that they thought he was awesome. Forty. That's a four with a zero after it. Take that Shelley Sekula Gibbs!

Even better than that, Dean is going to buy me a pony. He promised. He said that if I work really hard and trash talk all the other candidates, I'll get a pony. I'm planning on naming it Buttercup or Condoleeza. I made a chart that outlines Dean's plan:

Oh, and before I forget: Pete Olson smokes the crack cocaine.

Us = Teh Winnars!

We Republicans are so freakin' awesome.

And like the dinosaurs, we shall rule the planet without interruption forever.

Ditto for CD22.

Don't believe me? Well, thanks to our sister-site, CD22 Watcher, I can now dazzle you with real, actual facts. You see, according to this article, CD22 is one of the top ten fastest growing congressional districts. And CD22 voted around 53% Republican in the last election. Therefore, CD22 will remain Republican for some time.

My super-radical logic is completely unassailable.

Now true, I don't actually know the political make-up of all these new residents moving into CD22, but I'm just going to assume they are mostly Republican. I don't have any evidence to base this on, but I'll assume it anyway.

After all, Bob Perry has built thousands upon thousands of cheap, entry level starter homes all over the fringes of Fort Bend County. I'm sure these inexpensive pre-fab homes will be filled with patriotic Republicans, and the garages will be filled with Lexus SUV's. Besides, liberals don't live in houses - They live in underground nests. That's just common knowledge.

A highly technical graph prepared by actual science guys

I know some of you are worried. Yes, the evil liberals have gained ground in every CD22 election since 2000. Yes, new Democratic votes are outpacing new Republican votes by nearly 2 to 1. Yes, Democrats came within a 3500 vote swing from taking county-wide office in Fort Bend. But these are just figures meant to confuse you. It's typical liberal propaganda: Use actual numbers to baffle the mind.

Trust your gut. We rule. We cannot be stopped.

Dean Hrbacek shall lead us to glory, and we shall bathe in the blood of our enemies.

Unless they are Mexican, because everyone knows that Mexicans have deadly acid for blood.

Hot Plate?

Some assorted evil-doers, who are working
16-hour days and destroying America...

Those sharp journalistas over at CD22 Watcher (who are not in any way connected to the Dean Hrbacek for Congress Campaign) bring us a report on a very special moment in our culture war: It seems that pinko liberal Mexican-huggers are trying their best to halt our efforts at destroying the rather outdated Civil Rights Act of 1964! I'm sure Nick Lampson is somehow involved...

Right now, we live under a liberal regime of injustice. Did you know I cannot fire someone because they don't speak English unless is it necessary to their job? It's true! As a small business owner myself (mail order tortas), I can fire someone for speaking Spanish ONLY if it affects their job performance!

You know, sometimes I'll open the triple-locks to the basement and wander on down to check on my workforce. And it infuriates me to hear them speaking that weird Moon-Man talk. And I know they're talking about me!

It's insidious. Just because the busboy at Denny's doesn't need to speak English to do his job doesn't make his presence any less offensive. It makes me so mad (and scared), but we can't do anything about it until it actually affects their job performance. Next thing you know, those commies will force me to hire women.

And to think of all those politicians wasting valuable time talking about non-issues like the health care crisis, a counter-productive foreign policy, impending climate change, dastardly corruption, a dysfunctional housing market, a broken school system, and an approaching recession...

They cannot see the forest for the trees! We have a real crisis in this country.

¿Usted comprende?